The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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