we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
