You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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