The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
PANTIES FOUND
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