I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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