when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
