I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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