how can u be prego again
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
