I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
