my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
