I wish my penis had an off switch
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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