This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
