I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
