my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
