Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
