Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He has the fingertips of a God
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