we made out on top of his cat.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
