He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
