I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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