Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
