I only kidnapped one of them. chill
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
