Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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