So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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