I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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