I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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