So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
