we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
