Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
