My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
