I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
