so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize