Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
