he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
