Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
