are you still at the devil's house?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
