The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
