i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Boobs speak an international language.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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