Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
