She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
