Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
