I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
