I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize