all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
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