Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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