Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
