You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize