We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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