that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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