There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
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