If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Sober January is a disaster.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
