he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
