I can tuck mytits in my pants
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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