How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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