did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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