my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
