I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
