you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
