Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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