So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
