This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
