Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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