Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He keeps bees of course he's weird
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
