She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just gargled with NyQuil
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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